Ruin A Wish!

Granted, but then the paper catches on fire and burns down your house along with your family and pet spider monkey, whose relatives are so filled with grief that they go bananas and eat your town.

I wish that it was june 25. Rise.

Granted, but the sun does not in fact rise on that day.

I wish that Fall Out Boy's new album didn't have any curse words in it so I could buy it. I don't get why artists do that. It's not cool, or gritty, or real, or even really explicit anymore.

Granted, but then the music turns out to be really lame and you die of boredom.

I wish I had my script!

Granted, but it turns out to be reeeally bad.

I wish that I could act more.

Pshaw! How could it turn out bad? That's crazy.

Granted, but then no one likes your acting.

I wish Will was home so he could help me with my blog.

You have a blog? Cool! Send me a link! Granted, but will refuses to help you.

I wish that my homework was done.

Granted, but it was done my cheating and you are grounded for all eternity and God extends that grounding when you arrive at the pearly gates and you spend all of eternity burning in lakes of sulphur.

I wish that I had a unicorn

NO. THAT IS MY JOKE. Well, my friend Ben (not this Ben) and I's joke. About the fire and sulfur, that is.
Granted, but it spears you with its horn.

I wish that more people would follow my blog.

Granted, but they are all monkeys with computers.

I wish that I was a ninja

Granted, but you then join the Secret Ninja Society, where you are sent out on a mission to assassinate a whiny kid with a podcast before an evil corporation can get to him, and you die in the process.

I wish I had a later bedtime.

Granted, but you stay up too late every night, causing you to get more and more tired until you die of tiredness. It is a slow and painful death.

I wish I knew how to eat with chopsticks.

Granted, but then all food that requires chopsticks goes extinct and you now have a skill that is only useful for catching flies...

I wish that my sister had a unicorn

Granted, but then it runs away and spears a bunch of people and you get thrown in jail for manslaughter.

I wish someone was on chat.

Why do I get thrown in jail... It's my sister's unicorn!!!
Granted, but then it's only me, the lowly peasant knight.

I wish that I was allowed to eat all the sausage I wanted.

Lowly peasant knight! lol

Granted, but then you grow sick of sausage and throw up every time someone mentions it.

I wish I was making these cupcakes for me instead of the Boy Scouts.

Granted, but they turn rancid in you stomach and you throw them up.

I wish I had a victim for a photo shoot.

Granted, but your camera turns out to be a gun. You go to jail for first degree murder.

I wish i could go skydiving

Granted, but you forgot your parachute.

I wish this purple hair dye didn't smell bad. But my hair is awesome!

You dyed your hair purple?!

Granted, but then it dyes your hair green and it's so ugly you have to have it all cut off.

I wish we were going to a restaurant for dinner.

It's not completely purple, but about half of it is. I highlighted it with temp hair color. My parents didn't even notice. Tomorrow I'm doing blue and seeing if they notice
Anyway, granted, but the food is awful and you get food poisoning.

I wish that I could wake up late.

Hahaha, that's funky.

Granted, but then you wake up at midnight the next day instead of during the day.

I wish I had more running tolerance.

Granted, but then all you can do is run, and never stop.

I wish that someone would be on chat.

Granted, but the chat breaks down.

I wish I had a robot that would make all of my hats. (fyi: I make crochet characters hats for a business I own.)

Cool!
Granted, but it only makes XXXXXXXXL and XXXXXXXS size hats.

I wish that the bucket hat I'm making would stop being stupid.

Granted, but then it becomes smarter than everyone and takes over the world.

I wish that my hair was longer.